Wow, I apologize already for the tardiness in my posts... Life happened... Finally the divorce that never ends as I call it is ending... I'll have more on divorce, sobriety and healthy relationships in another blog.
Okay so... 12 steps... where to begin... How about step 1.
Step 1-3
Steps one through three are considered, the "God" steps... They are some of the hardest steps and they're right out of the gate. Don't despair though, I think the reason the founders of AA put the higher power steps first are simple. Our higher power is the one and only thing that can hold us accountable to stay sober.
Step one is really simple, "I'm an alcoholic, and although I may not be comfortable with the idea of God I guess their is one. And I'm apparently not him/it." That pretty much sums up my first step and second step. The second step is really just asking you to keep an open mind. Very rarely have I seen, anyone start in AA/NA and get a belief in a higher power within a few days. I've seen, quite often several people struggle with the idea of a higher power. As alcoholics we tend to try and control everything through manipulation and other means. Now all of a sudden you're asking us let go and let god?!?! Oh. Hell. No... Surprisingly, if we take these steps painstakingly we eventually get to where we need to be with our higher power.
Step three, this is the one that separates the men from the boys. This is the one where we give up what we want and find acceptance in most things "as they are." I think I read page 417 in the big book at least 50 times before I let it sink in. I'm not God! HOLY SHIT WHAT A CONCEPT! So, you're telling me... I have to turn my will and my life over to the care of God... As I understand him? My first thought was great, my God wants me to do everything exactly the way I do... And then life just kept happening and I would let it affect me in ways I didn't want it too. Finally, the "miracle" happened... And not a moment too soon. It finally dawned on me, maybe he has a better plan for me in all this. I started meditating regularly, and praying almost constantly. I prayed for my friends, family, enemies, EVERYONE! I asked God to bless them. I asked he give them what they needed to be happy that day. I asked his forgiveness for all the douche-erffic things I had done. I learned I had to make some hard decisions with my current life. I prayed and prayed, and then prayed some more.
Finally, I realized I was growing, and to keep growing I had to separate myself further from things/those I loved. I asked my wife at the time for a divorce, she said she was leaning towards a divorce and after praying on it, I finally told her I wanted one and was ready for the consequences. I prayed to God through this whole divorce and I'll write more on that topic some other time. I gave up playing hockey, a lifelong passion of mine. The guys I was playing with weren't exactly role models... and I needed away from that crowd. I had a few friends I had to let go of, some because the only thing we had in common was drinking, others were mad or angry I was growing/changing and they didn't agree with those changes. I realized that was not my fault and I want you all to realize that. If you sober up, you'll meet some of the best, hardest working people you ever knew existed. You'll become happy and have a lot better days, and for some reason, some people hate you for it. It's almost like they want you to suffer all the crappy things we've said or done. (Guess who has two thumbs and passed out drunk on the floor on xmas eve... THIS GUY!...progress not perfection right?)
I had to realize, that was on them not being able to accept or forgive me for what I had done. Was I sorry for all the shitty things I had done? You're damn right I was and still am. I write this blog unabashedly for the benefit of others, that they may realize I'm one of you. I've done some really not nice things, and yet I lived, I'm happier now than I've been since I was about 14 by my best guess. I'm not proud of what I was, I realize I wasn't the greatest individual ever. Nor will I attain that status but, I've come to realize I'm a man. I have faults and will fail at times in my life. However, it's how I get back up and dust myself off that determines my character, nothing else.
This is where God came back into the picture hard for me. I like to run and jog, quite often too. I had a hard time accepting all the manipulative and immoral actions I had done while drinking. I would break down at work, while on a run, walking through my neighborhood, and other various times when my brain would throw something else out there and make me remember some terrible time. My sponsor kept telling me to pray on it. Finally, and this is the key for me here peoples... I had a sit down with a few men, one asked me if I asked God for forgiveness. I replied I had. He then asked, was I truly sorry. I again replied I was. He then asked me about my higher power, he brought out words like omnipotent, omniscience, and all knowing. I replied that for my higher power to be bigger than my ego than yes, he was all those. Then he paused and said the most prophetic words I heard in a long time. "If your God is so powerful he knows when you'll die. He doesn't live in time, he just exists. He knows every hair on your head, he knows every offspring you'll have and knows what they'll do already. And you believe he's forgiven you because you contritely asked him for forgiveness.... Than who the hell are you to not forgive yourself? What makes you so great?" Head explodes! He was right, I had to step back and let God be God and let me be me. I had to give my fears and emotions over to God as much as possible. I had to let him know I was scared and terrified by who I was. I had to come to him and give him the keys to my life because I nearly totaled it...
I have to try and the key word there is try, to give my life over to the care and will of my higher power on a daily basis. I cannot abuse the concept of freewill by bastardizing it into what I want. Nor can I ignore God's will. Somewhere in there is a happy grey spot that I obtain to live in, on a daily basis. If I step back enough from trying to control people, places, things, and or ideas, I end up in a much more serene and independent state of being.
Wow, I think I'll stop there. Step 3 for me is still the biggest step for me on a daily basis. I know I intended to run over all 12 steps but, maybe this is a good stopping point... I'll try later in the week to hit up steps 4 through 9.
Really quickly before I go, the steps are designed rather simply, steps 1-3 are the God steps. 4-9 are the individuals steps, and 10-12 are maintenance steps...
Anyways, just remember, all you have is today friends.
