Step 4. Made a searching a fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Well, lets feel like a piece of shit today shall we? LOL, well maybe not. Let's learn a bit about ourselves today is a better way of putting it.
I went out and bought a nice new notebook. Had John Belushi from animal house on the cover, you know, to remind me of where I've been. LOL. Then every night for several weeks I meditated on myself and my life. I went through many memories. Some good, some bad. I wrote them all down with plenty of space between the skeletons from my closet and good things that happened to me. I then started to look at my actions and what caused them. Its one thing to say I fucked up, I shouldn't have passed out here, I shouldn't have said this, etc. I had to get to the base of the matter. I found insecurities in myself. I found a low self esteem, body issues, sorrow from the loss of my father, bitterness, resentment, a lot of negative energy, etc. Then in my good times, I found hope, an actual man that I knew I could become, an image of myself, peeks of sunshine in mostly dark days. I knew in those moments when life was good and mind altering substances weren't used, I had potential. I could be somebody. I could be a man. What a concept.
It was several pages long, it was exhausting at times really. I usually slept really well after writing.
Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
I'm not going to lie. I had my fourth step done for quite some time before I did my fifth step... I mean, really I have to go to a complete stranger and say all these things I had written down? Oh man, that's heavy... I finally worked up the stones and bit the bullet and did it.
It took over four hours, I had a great listener who was a retired elderly man. I cried, I laughed, I smiled, I cried again. I smiled when talking about my wedding. I laughed at the thought of putting my exwife in a shopping cart at WalMart on our wedding night, while we were married she was quite the bargain! She put up with quite a bit while with me. I cried about my father... I mourned. I laughed about parties in college and cringed at the thought of others... My bad everybody...
At the end I was blessed with sage and prayed.
In the end I literally felt about 50 pounds lighter, I could breathe again and I didn't even realize I was being suffocated by my own guilt.
Step 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
This kind of goes hand in hand with Step 7 for me.
Step 7 Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
It just continued after that day. I had to realize I needed help from God to remove my insecurities. My lack of compassion at times. My fear. My anxiety.
I did realize sometimes God doesn't remove all our shortcomings because he needs us to work on them. Dear God, I don't want to be a dickhead anymore so please give me patience and let eveyone know I'm in charge. K thnx bye! Hmmmm turns out it doesn't work that way...
Step 8 Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
You serious?!?! You sure?!?! Awe, shit. Really?!?! You realize I've been a giant dick at times right? I still have too? Are you sure?!?! Dammit...
Pulls out the Belushi notebook from Step 4 again. I'm a conservationist. I like to reuse things...
Ok, this one is pretty personal so, I'll rap it up by saying this. Your step 4 kind of leads into this... You can take a lot of life experiences from it to figure out who you'll have to make amends too.
Finally, Step 9 Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Whoa, nevermind. Can I go back to step 8? No... Ok, I won't even argue anymore...
This one is tricky... It's never goes like you want it and it's always going to be on Gods time. And somethings you'll have to make amends without the other person knowing. For example, If you slept with Joe Bobs wife you really shouldn't tell Joe Bob... It would hurt him emotionally and he may hurt you physically... Both go against the end of the step... except when to do so would cause harm to them or others... For most of these amends you make on your own. Possibly a sizeable donation to a charity after a period of prayer. Or possibly volunteer work...
I have a laundry list of people like a lot of other addicts. Mostly family and friends. And as much as I would love to run out and start saying sorry to everybody some people just aren't ready to hear my apologies. I have come to terms with a few old friends I may never see them in person again. However social media has given me means to say my regrets in letter form. This has gone mostly successful.
Others will take more time for them to heal a bit more before i come forward contrite fully and let them know I regret my past actions... I'm certain for my ex wife, it may take years. If she ever listens to me again in person. This may have to fall into the on my own category. I figure if I'm still sober in a decade, and theirs still no bridge of communication, that may be a good time to pray and make amends on my own with God. Hopefully, I get the chance, it would probably be therapeutic for both of us.
Others, seem to just happen because God says it's time. I remember getting in a fight in high school, it just so happened a couple weeks ago I was grocery shoppping I happened across the fine chap again. I walked up to him and he instantly went on guard. I held my hand out and said hey, I'm sure you remember me. I just want you to know, I'm sorry I hit you. It wasn't right of me to do that then. He instantly relaxed. We talked for about a half an hour. I shared a bit of my story and listened to his. We became facebook friends and are planning on coffee in a couple weeks. God is good.
Welp, time for my nightly prayers and my head needs to hit the pillow.
These are the way I worked these steps, this is by no means a concrete way of doing it. The steps are just guides that should be worked in your own time and in your way.
And remember my friends, today is all you have. Peace.
