Steps 4 through 9 in my own words

Again I apologize for my tardiness. Life keeps happening and I keep going with the flow that God pushes me in.

Step 4. Made a searching a fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Well, lets feel like a piece of shit today shall we? LOL, well maybe not. Let's learn a bit about ourselves today is a better way of putting it. 

I went out and bought a nice new notebook. Had John Belushi from animal house on the cover, you know, to remind me of where I've been. LOL. Then every night for several weeks I meditated on myself and my life. I went through many memories. Some good, some bad. I wrote them all down with plenty of space between the skeletons from my closet and good things that happened to me. I then started to look at my actions and what caused them. Its one thing to say I fucked up, I shouldn't have passed out here, I shouldn't have said this, etc. I had to get to the base of the matter. I found insecurities in myself. I found a low self esteem, body issues, sorrow from the loss of my father, bitterness, resentment, a lot of negative energy, etc. Then in my good times, I found hope, an actual man that I knew I could become, an image of myself, peeks of sunshine in mostly dark days. I knew in those moments when life was good and mind altering substances weren't used, I had potential. I could be somebody. I could be a man. What a concept.  

It was several pages long, it was exhausting at times really. I usually slept really well after writing.

Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 

I'm not going to lie. I had my fourth step done for quite some time before I did my fifth step... I mean, really I have to go to a complete stranger and say all these things I had written down? Oh man, that's heavy... I finally worked up the stones and bit the bullet and did it.

It took over four hours, I had a great listener who was a retired elderly man. I cried, I laughed, I smiled, I cried again. I smiled when talking about my wedding. I laughed at the thought of putting my exwife in a shopping cart at WalMart on our wedding night, while we were married she was quite the bargain! She put up with quite a bit while with me. I cried about my father... I mourned. I laughed about parties in college and cringed at the thought of others... My bad everybody... 

At the end I was blessed with sage and prayed.

In the end I literally felt about 50 pounds lighter, I could breathe again and I didn't even realize I was being suffocated by my own guilt.

Step 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

This kind of goes hand in hand with Step 7 for me.

Step 7 Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 

It just continued after that day. I had to realize I needed help from God to remove my insecurities. My lack of compassion at times. My fear. My anxiety. 

I did realize sometimes God doesn't remove all our shortcomings because he needs us to work on them. Dear God, I don't want to be a dickhead anymore so please give me patience and let eveyone know I'm in charge. K thnx bye! Hmmmm turns out it doesn't work that way...

Step 8 Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 

You serious?!?! You sure?!?! Awe, shit. Really?!?! You realize I've been a giant dick at times right? I still have too? Are you sure?!?! Dammit... 

Pulls out the Belushi notebook from Step 4 again. I'm a conservationist. I like to reuse things...

Ok, this one is pretty personal so, I'll rap it up by saying this. Your step 4 kind of leads into this... You can take a lot of life experiences from it to figure out who you'll have to make amends too.

Finally, Step 9 Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 

Whoa, nevermind. Can I go back to step 8? No... Ok, I won't even argue anymore...

This one is tricky... It's never goes like you want it and it's always going to be on Gods time. And somethings you'll have to make amends without the other person knowing. For example, If you slept with Joe Bobs wife you really shouldn't tell Joe Bob... It would hurt him emotionally and he may hurt you physically... Both go against the end of the step... except when to do so would cause harm to them or others... For most of these amends you make on your own. Possibly a sizeable donation to a charity after a period of prayer. Or possibly volunteer work...

I have a laundry list of people like a lot of other addicts. Mostly family and friends. And as much as I would love to run out and start saying sorry to everybody some people just aren't ready to hear my apologies. I have come to terms with a few old friends I may never see them in person again. However social media has given me means to say my regrets in letter form. This has gone mostly successful. 

Others will take more time for them to heal a bit more before i come forward contrite fully and let them know I regret my past actions... I'm certain for my ex wife, it may take years. If she ever listens to me again in person. This may have to fall into the on my own category. I figure if I'm still sober in a decade, and theirs still no bridge of communication, that may be a good time to pray and make amends on my own with God. Hopefully, I get the chance, it would probably be therapeutic for both of us. 

Others, seem to just happen because God says it's time. I remember getting in a fight in high school, it just so happened a couple weeks ago I was grocery shoppping I happened across the fine chap again. I walked up to him and he instantly went on guard. I held my hand out and said hey, I'm sure you remember me. I just want you to know, I'm sorry I hit you. It wasn't right of me to do that then. He instantly relaxed. We talked for about a half an hour. I shared a bit of my story and listened to his. We became facebook friends and are planning on coffee in a couple weeks. God is good.

Welp, time for my nightly prayers and my head needs to hit the pillow. 

These are the way I worked these steps, this is by no means a concrete way of doing it. The steps are just guides that should be worked in your own time and in your way.

And remember my friends, today is all you have. Peace.

The 12 Steps

Wow, I apologize already for the tardiness in my posts... Life happened... Finally the divorce that never ends as I call it is ending... I'll have more on divorce, sobriety and healthy relationships in another blog. 

Okay so... 12 steps... where to begin... How about step 1.

Step 1-3

Steps one through three are considered, the "God" steps... They are some of the hardest steps and they're right out of the gate. Don't despair though, I think the reason the founders of AA put the higher power steps first are simple. Our higher power is the one and only thing that can hold us accountable to stay sober. 

Step one is really simple, "I'm an alcoholic, and although I may not be comfortable with the idea of God I guess their is one. And I'm apparently not him/it." That pretty much sums up my first step and second step. The second step is really just asking you to keep an open mind. Very rarely have I seen, anyone start in AA/NA and get a belief in a higher power within a few days. I've seen, quite often several people struggle with the idea of a higher power. As alcoholics we tend to try and control everything through manipulation and other means. Now all of a sudden you're asking us let go and let god?!?! Oh. Hell. No... Surprisingly, if we take these steps painstakingly we eventually get to where we need to be with our higher power.

Step three, this is the one that separates the men from the boys. This is the one where we give up what we want and find acceptance in most things "as they are." I think I read page 417 in the big book at least 50 times before I let it sink in. I'm not God! HOLY SHIT WHAT A CONCEPT! So, you're telling me... I have to turn my will and my life over to the care of God... As I understand him? My first thought was great, my God wants me to do everything exactly the way I do... And then life just kept happening and I would let it affect me in ways I didn't want it too. Finally, the "miracle" happened... And not a moment too soon. It finally dawned on me, maybe he has a better plan for me in all this. I started meditating regularly, and praying almost constantly. I prayed for my friends, family, enemies, EVERYONE! I asked God to bless them. I asked he give them what they needed to be happy that day. I asked his forgiveness for all the douche-erffic things I had done. I learned I had to make some hard decisions with my current life. I prayed and prayed, and then prayed some more. 

Finally, I realized I was growing, and to keep growing I had to separate myself further from things/those I loved. I asked my wife at the time for a divorce, she said she was leaning towards a divorce and after praying on it, I finally told her I wanted one and was ready for the consequences. I prayed to God through this whole divorce and I'll write more on that topic some other time. I gave up playing hockey, a lifelong passion of mine. The guys I was playing with weren't exactly role models... and I needed away from that crowd. I had a few friends I had to let go of, some because the only thing we had in common was drinking, others were mad or angry I was growing/changing and they didn't agree with those changes. I realized that was not my fault and I want you all to realize that. If you sober up, you'll meet some of the best, hardest working people you ever knew existed. You'll become happy and have a lot better days, and for some reason, some people hate you for it. It's almost like they want you to suffer all the crappy things we've said or done. (Guess who has two thumbs and passed out drunk on the floor on xmas eve... THIS GUY!...progress not perfection right?)

 I had to realize, that was on them not being able to accept or forgive me for what I had done. Was I sorry for all the shitty things I had done? You're damn right I was and still am. I write this blog unabashedly for the benefit of others, that they may realize I'm one of you. I've done some really not nice things, and yet I lived, I'm happier now than I've been since I was about 14 by my best guess. I'm not proud of what I was, I realize I wasn't the greatest individual ever. Nor will I attain that status but, I've come to realize I'm a man. I have faults and will fail at times in my life. However, it's how I get back up and dust myself off that determines my character, nothing else.

This is where God came back into the picture hard for me. I like to run and jog, quite often too. I had a hard time accepting all the manipulative and immoral actions I had done while drinking. I would break down at work, while on a run, walking through my neighborhood, and other various times when my brain would throw something else out there and make me remember some terrible time. My sponsor kept telling me to pray on it. Finally, and this is the key for me here peoples... I had a sit down with a few men, one asked me if I asked God for forgiveness. I replied I had. He then asked, was I truly sorry. I again replied I was. He then asked me about my higher power, he brought out words like omnipotent, omniscience, and all knowing. I replied that for my higher power to be bigger than my ego than yes, he was all those. Then he paused and said the most prophetic words I heard in a long time. "If your God is so powerful he knows when you'll die. He doesn't live in time, he just exists. He knows every hair on your head, he knows every offspring you'll have and knows what they'll do already. And you believe he's forgiven you because you contritely asked him for forgiveness.... Than who the hell are you to not forgive yourself? What makes you so great?" Head explodes! He was right, I had to step back and let God be God and let me be me. I had to give my fears and emotions over to God as much as possible. I had to let him know I was scared and terrified by who I was. I had to come to him and give him the keys to my life because I nearly totaled it...

I have to try and the key word there is try, to give my life over to the care and will of my higher power on a daily basis. I cannot abuse the concept of freewill by bastardizing it into what I want.  Nor can I ignore God's will. Somewhere in there is a happy grey spot that I obtain to live in, on a daily basis. If I step back enough from trying to control people, places, things, and or ideas, I end up in a much more serene and independent state of being.

Wow, I think I'll stop there. Step 3 for me is still the biggest step for me on a daily basis. I know I intended to run over all 12 steps but, maybe this is a good stopping point... I'll try later in the week to hit up steps 4 through 9. 

Really quickly before I go, the steps are designed rather simply, steps 1-3 are the God steps. 4-9 are the individuals steps, and 10-12 are maintenance steps...

Anyways, just remember, all you have is today friends.

Tools of Sobriety

For anyone that can't drink/ use drugs anymore a major adjustment to the way of living life has to happen. I remember when I first sobered up I had a lot of depression and anxiety. I was really down with a failed marriage, the prospect of losing my house, this idea of there possibly being a God. (the 2nd and 3rd steps for me hit a little slooooow) 

I had to learn how to live again and what to do with my time. The first day I admitted I was an alcoholic the lady helping me said I needed to hang with men(more on this later) and attend meetings. This became my first tool in sobriety.

1. AA/NA Meetings

I was scared shit less for my first meeting.... why lie. I remember and looking back on it, it must have been an act of God; another young man struggling with alcohol sat next to me. I could smell the alcohol on his breathe. I have come to learn this wasn't an uncommon situation with an active drinker in a meeting. He ended up leaving early by acting like he was going to get a cup of coffee and then ended up skipping out. We talked before the meeting, he had a wife and kid. His wife gave him an ultimatum, sober up or she wanted a divorce. Apparently, for that night anyways, alcohols sweet siren sound won out.

Meetings for me are a way of relating to people who get my way of thinking. You know, maybe you don't... the stupid way of thinking. I feel at ease and find a lot of humor in the way I used to live compared to the happiness I have worked extremely hard at finding. And I always learn  something about myself in these meetings. As they say take what you want out of the meetings leave the rest.

2. Personal Health/Hygiene

If you were anything like me as an addict and alcoholic, you didn't exactly "take care" of your body. Now that I've sobered up, and after I ended up working my third step I ended up making a commitment to my body and honor it as it's a gift from my higher power. As C.S. Lewis said "We are not a body with a soul; we are a soul with a body." 

The first thing I felt needed to be done was getting the weight off. After years of abuse I had put on some weight.... about 80 pounds too much. Alcohol is pretty much just empty calories. I started going to the gym, almost everyday. It was something to do now that I couldn't drink. I have lost nearly 70 pounds but, more importantly I've gained nearly 10 pounds of muscle also. I've gained definition, and self confidence. This has greatly helped my depression.

I also have decided to get my health back on track. I have done my regular doctor visits which for a guy is saying something. We have a lot of stubborn pride. I've also gone to the dentist (NO CAVITIES THANK GOD!). And just overall I feel quite satisfied with my health.

I also bought some books with healthy recipes and have learned how to cook new foods. I love to find new flavors by using new vegetables and fruits I've never tried before. I also love using my grill to make something new including using it as a smoker. This is a great way to spend time.

3. Fellowship

So once I sobered up I ended up losing a lot of "Drinking buddies". AA/NA has given me about a hundred new friends. Last month I texted over 4000 messages and spent nearly 800 minutes on my cell phone. One thing I like to tell new people in meetings is "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're going to find a deep inner happiness you never knew existed. The bad news is WE'RE your new friends." My golf game has improved dramatically. The first summer sober I golfed over 100 rounds of golf. I never would have thought having one meal a week by myself would be a treat just so I could relax and be by myself for a second. Not that I'm complaining though, I do enjoy my friends and family.

While drinking, I ended up alienating or just flat out ignoring large swathes of my family. I have recommitted to spending time with my family. Especially my nieces and nephews, I have come to love spending time laughing and joking with my family. I have had more meals with my brother and sister in the past year than possibly the whole rest of my life combined.

4. Whatever else keeps you the f&$% sober

As my sponsor stated, when I was commenting on tools of sobriety. A tool is whatever keeps you from drinking. The gym, schoolwork, fellowship, cooking, learning to dance, etc. Whatever it might be, as long as you don't drink you're OK for today.

That's it for today. I'll be back later in the week. I'll probably end up talking about the twelve steps and why they are important and the structure of them. Until then however just remember, all you have is today friends.

Son Of a Bitch Everything's Real

This is also known as being "Sober". No one said being sober was easy, it's just a lot fucking better than drinking. I'm reminded of this prospect quite often. When I first sobered up, a man in Alcoholics Anonymous who later became my sponsor once told me "You know what sober stands for right?" I responded, "No." "Son of a bitch everything's real".

This was said to me at a time when I was really rough. I had a lot of frustration and anger from my life spiraling out of control. I was struggling with emotion for the first time in a long while. I was having feelings I had never experienced before. When he said that it became one of those moments when, I realized my life had become unmanageable. I needed to give up, just to a higher power... not suicide which until then was a real possibility.

This blog will become a story of my experiences in sobriety. Handling death, divorce, and lack of drugs and alcohol. This would also be known to most as life. Sit down, strap on a seat belt and hold on to your ass less chaps.... this is going to be a wild ass ride.